The Bass Player

The bass player never gets any respect.  Guitars have six strings and a distortion pedal.  The bass only has four strings and rarely does it get a distortion pedal.  Guitars sound cool to everyone.  The bass only sounds cool to music nerds.  You can write a song on an acoustic guitar for your girlfriend and play it for her in a park surrounded by flowers while the sun sets.  If you're a bass player you can write a cool riff in your basement but it won't impress your girlfriend (if you're one of the lucky few bass players to have a girlfriend).  Instead she'll probably yell "knock it off!"

My first guitar was a bass.  While learning how to play it I was told "it's at the bottom of the band".  Well, that didn't sound promising.  But songs need that low end and I would provide it in my Guns N Roses cover band. 

"I want a solo."  

"No."  

"But Flea and Cliff Burton had bass solos." 

"We're a Guns N Roses cover band."

There are some bass players that got all the respect (and girls).  Paul McCartney comes to mind.  The man wrote Hey Jude, Eleanor Rigby, Helter Skelter.  What girl can resist Helter Skelter?  Her heart must be made of stone if she can.  Paul's bass playing stands out on every Beatles track.  Sting also got all the respect (and girls) in the Police.  He and Paul McCartney also sang.  So maybe, if you play bass, you better sing too!  But then I think of Sgt. Floyd Pepper, the bass player for the Muppet house band Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.  He got some respect, and dished out a bit of disrespect at the same time.  So basically you have to either sing or be a muppet to get the respect (and girls).  Bass won't cut it alone.

Still, learning bass helped when I eventually switched to guitar.  I understood music and rhythm a bit more.  I still couldn't sing, or join a band that attracted a large female fan base, but that was back in the days of boy bands.  I blame boy bands.  And that's really what I'm trying to say here.  Boy bands suck, the bass is cool, and there should be more bass solos in pop music today (and muppets).

The Skull Crushers and the Doodlebug Foot Stompers

When you play in a band you need everyone on the same page.  The members of Nirvana were all into the same bands and wanted to play a certain kind of music.  If you’re a member of, say, the Red Hot Chili Peppers then you probably like funk.  If you're a member of Exciter then you probably like metal.  If you’re a member of The Skull Crushers and the Doodlebug Foot Stompers then your music may lack direction and, as a result, fans.  Strumming on the ol’ banjo might not sound so good next to heavily distorted thrash guitars but I could be wrong.  I am a public servant whose musical career never made it far from recording a demo and burying it in a sock drawer.

Some musical styles do merge well.  Country and rock, punk and funk, rap and metal, metal and hot jazz, yodelling and electronica.  Then there are musical styles that should never be combined.  I’m thinking anything with bag pipes combined with another set of bag pipes.

When the Beatles combined eastern music with pop rock it merged well only because it's the Beatles.  We've all heard Norwegian Wood and loved it.  George Harrison just knew the song needed the sitar.  He was that smart.  But if The Skull Crushers and the Doodlebug Foot Stompers added a sitar it wouldn't merge well because they're not the Beatles and they don't know what they're doing (see illustration above).  If we get that Exciter reunion going then maybe a sitar on a few songs would work.  But it would have to be the original Exciter because they know their songs better than any other lineup.  If the Beatles were to reform with George and John replaced then that sitar just wouldn't work on Norwegian Wood.  If the Beatles were to reform with Ringo replaced then it would work just fine because there's no drums on Norwegian Wood.  If they were to reform with a replacement bird tweeting on Blackbird then it would sound terrible.

So if you're going to start a band I'd advise you to not bother.  Bands aren't formed anymore by musicians.  You should probably just try to get on American Idol and learn to say yes a lot.   

We Are Not Evolving

There's many more I could have added. We used to have full service gas stations. Now we get to pump gas ourselves. Boy bands used to be called The Beatles. Now they're, well, whoever the boy band at the moment is. By the time I'm done typing this there will be a new one to replace them. We used to have cashiers at grocery stores. Now we have the option to check out our groceries ourselves and pay for bags to carry them out.

Of course we're evolving. Despite what the media and politicians would have you believe, we live in the safest time in the history of the human race. As a member of the human race you are unlikely to be squashed by a large animal, eaten by that large animal, die from scurvy, mumps, smallpox, measles, or go to war with nothing but a sword and shield to protect you (in the name of the king).

Still, there are some things we've lost along the way. Kids used to play street hockey. Parents used to watch their kids play sports instead of standing on the sidelines texting. Drivers used to drive their cars instead of killing innocent people while texting. We used to board flights without being violated. We used to get telemarketing calls once in a while instead of a few times daily (NO! I don't need my air ducts cleaned!!!)

I'll still take all that over getting squashed by a large animal.

Spiders are scary!

This one is very much like a Far Side cartoon (I'm not bragging, just admitting). It allows you to imagine what's going to happen. I don't know if Gary Larson ever drew a cartoon about someone trying to kill a gigantic bug with a newspaper or not. I hope not, but if he did I'm sure it's much funnier and I highly recommend it (even without reading it).

My wife loves spiders. I hate them. She's always telling me to put them outside. Putting them outside requires one to somehow corral the beast into a jar and transport it to the backyard where it will just make its way in again. Maybe we don't live in Australia where every single bug is poisonous but to me all arachnids look like monsters. (By the way, my wife doesn't look like the women in this cartoon. She only looks that way to me when she tells me to shoo an eight legged monster out the window.)

There really is no reason to be afraid of spiders. I do feel a pang of guilt whenever I squish one, but that quickly subsides. Some argue arachnophobia may have been an instinctive response that helped early humans survive. More likely, humans who ran from harmless spiders probably ran into the jaws of a far more dangerous animal. It's amazing arachnophobia is still around.

What is it about spiders that's so horrendous? I don't know. They're sneaky, they crawl up walls, they have too many eyes, too many legs. Quadrupeds I can handle. Anything with more than four legs should be squashed.

Technology solves another problem

Do you ever feel like no one pays any attention to you? Well, you're probably right, unless you're tweeting or posting something. If you were to run naked down the street screaming the good news that the squid people were here to save us all if only we'd listen, well, no one would notice. You'd have to tweet that.

As social media grows we're becoming more anti social as a species when it comes to one on one interaction. When a group of friends get together theres always someone with their phone out, texting or checking their mail, always distracted. Whenever I take the bus I put my iPod on so I won't have to listen to people talking. I've been doing it for so long now that I'm not even sure if people talk on the bus anymore. Maybe it's quiet now that everyone has an iPhone, iPad, iPod, iHelmet.

I used to wonder why I never bumped into any of my old friends from high school. I thought it could be because I'm busy and have kids (as well as my old friends), or that most of them moved away to another city for work (or to not run the risk of bumping into me). But it's probably because I'm just not paying attention. I could literally walk right by an old friend and not even notice. That may sound sad but it probably isn't. Interactions between old friends who have lost touch with each other tend to be hollow anyway. There are reasons why some friendships don't continue past high school.

I joined Twitter to see if I could promote this blog. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least. There's just so much noise out there that it seems pointless. How does anyone stand out without resorting to tweeting about twerking? (10 years ago no one would have known what that meant. Those were better times.)

Tweeting about cartooning is probably pointless anyway. I mean, Marmaduke is still around! I'm pretty sure the centenarian who draws that cartoon doesn't have a twitter account. He's still drawing cartoons about how a big dog manages to slobber up the owners newspaper. (Get it? He's a big dog! Hahahaha!) He gets paid for these rehashed gags. Ugh.

Anyway, I'll post this blog, tweet it, update my status on Facebook and then read a Marmaduke cartoon and get really mad. I'm pretty sure the punch line to the Marmaduke cartoon will be (It's a big dog, get it?)

Selfies

I know. This cartoon is redundant. All selfies are inappropriate.

Actually, I have no problem with most selfies. Just the ones taken at inappropriate times, like the “sexy” selfies taken with kids in the background. Oh, let’s not forget the dudes who photoshop their muscles. That’s probably the most annoying. First, you take a picture of yourself with your phone in the mirror and then take the time to attempt to pump up your muscles on photoshop. These people deserve the ridicule that eventually comes their way on the selfie fail websites.

I was trying to think of ways to defend selfies. In the age of social media, with friends tagging pictures of you without your consent, it’s a way to control your image. You can share with your friends your experiences, your travels, etc, whatever.

Don’t people realize that camera’s have timers? If you’re going to take a selfie at least try to make it look like someone took a picture of you! I guess nobody carries cameras anymore because pictures always look better all grainy and low resolution taken from a phone. Is it that low resolution, grainy photos hide blemishes?

Selfies are vain but that’s okay because everyone’s a little vain. Blogs are the selfies of the mind (and artistic skills). So who are we to judge? Selfies are just an easy target (hence my cartoon).

Nobel Prize

My friend Sterling at http://sterlinglynch.wordpress.com/ said of this cartoon: “Optimism is not your strongest trait”. Maybe he's right. No, he's definitely right.

I feel that if we ever solve most of the worlds biggest problems then fate will finally deal her fatal blow. But I'm not worried. We'll never solve most of the worlds biggest problems.

We live in a world where politicians call intellectuals elitists and environmentalists eco-terrorists. They call voters “average”, like that's a good thing. In Canada they work for the “average” Canadian. Do they want us to feel average, not great? What if I don't want to be average? What's wrong with being an elite in my field? Wayne Gretzky was an elite in his field. He's a national hero!

So, if the world adopts an environmentally friendly source of energy, eliminates global hunger and ushers in world peace, that's when I'll start to worry (more so).